My husband, Jake, surprised me by giving me a schedule to follow so that I could “become a better wife.” But I went along with it rather than losing my cool. Jake had no idea that I was going to give him a lesson that would cause him to reconsider his recently adopted marital philosophy.

I’ve always taken great satisfaction in being the sensible one in our union. Jake, God bless him, was easily drawn into new hobbies or sucked into some random YouTube video that claimed to make a big difference in his life in three simple steps.

However, before Jake met Steve, we were strong. Steve was the kind of guy who, in his loud and opinionated way, thought he was right and would talk over you if you tried to correct him.

Apart from being a perpetual single (who would have thought?), he was also a kind relationship advisor to all of his married coworkers, including Jake. Jake ought to have known better, but my sweetie was completely enamored with Steve’s self-assurance.

It went unnoticed until Jake began to make some nasty remarks.

“Steve says relationships work best when the wife takes charge of the household,” he used to say. Or, “Steve thinks it’s important for women to look good for their husbands, no matter how long they’ve been married.”

It was starting to get on my nerves, though, so I would roll my eyes and respond with something sarcastic. Jake was evolving. If I ordered takeout instead of making dinner, he would raise an eyebrow and sigh at me for letting the laundry pile up because, heaven forbid, I worked a full-time job.

Then it took place. He brought The List home with him one evening.

He pulled out a piece of paper, slid it across to me, and sat me down at the kitchen table.

He began, “I’ve been thinking,” exuding a condescending tone that I had not heard from him before. “Lisa, you make a fantastic wife. However, things could be done better.”

My brows furrowed. “Oh really?”

He nodded, not realizing he was about to enter a dangerous area. Yes. Steve assisted me in realizing that if you just put in a little more effort, our marriage could be even better.”

I fixed my gaze on the paper before me. It was a timetable. and he had bolded and written at the top, “Lisa’s Weekly Routine for Becoming a Better Wife”.

This man had actually taken the time to sit down and plotted out my entire week according to what Steve, a single man with no dating experience, felt I ought to do in order to “improve” as a wife.

Every day at five in the morning, I was meant to get up and make Jake a fancy breakfast. I would then spend an hour at the gym to “stay in shape.”

Following that? A fun list of tasks to complete: laundry, ironing, and cleaning. That was everything before I departed for my job. Every night I was supposed to make a homemade dinner and serve fancy snacks to Jake and his friends when they came over to hang out.

I wasn’t even sure where to begin with how offensive and sexist the entire thing was. I found myself gazing at him, questioning whether my spouse had gone insane.

“This is going to be fantastic for both of us,” he said, unaware.

“Steve says it’s important to maintain structure, and I think you could benefit from —”

“I could benefit from what?” I cut in, sounding dangerously composed. Jake blinked, startled by the interruption, but he straightened out fast.

“Well, you know, from having some guidance and a schedule.”

I wanted to ask him if he had become a death wisher and toss that paper in his face. Rather, I did something that even startled me: I grinned.

“You’re right, Jake,” I remarked kindly. “You made me this schedule, and I’m so grateful. I’ll get going tomorrow.”

His face showed instant relief. I got up and put the list on the fridge, almost feeling sorry for him. Nearly. He was clueless about what lay ahead.

I couldn’t help but smile the following day as I looked over the absurd schedule once more. If Jake believed he could present me with a list of “improvements,” he was going to discover the true extent of structure our life could support.

Taken out of the bag, I opened a new document on my laptop called “Jake’s Plan for Becoming the Best Husband Ever.” Did he wish for the ideal wife? Alright. But perfection came at a price.

I started by enumerating everything he had recommended, starting with the gym membership he was so excited about. It really was hilarious.

“$1,200 for a personal trainer.” I giggled a little as I typed.

The food arrived next. Jake was not going to be able to afford to eat like a king on our current grocery budget. Everything organic, non-GMO, and free-range? That was not cheap stuff.

“My monthly grocery budget is $700,” I wrote. He would most likely have to help out with a cooking class as well. Pricey, yes, but then, perfection didn’t come for free.

I laughed to myself as I leaned back in my chair, picturing Jake’s reaction when he saw this. I wasn’t done, though. The pièce de résistance, oh no, was yet to come.

You see, I couldn’t possibly balance all of these demands and keep my job at the same time. Jake would have to make up the difference in my pay if he wanted me to devote all of my time to his ridiculous schedule.

I opened a calculator and calculated how much my salary would be. Then I put it on the list with the following little notation: “$75,000 annually to replace Lisa’s salary as she will now work as your personal assistant, maid, and chef full-time.”

At this point, laughing hurt my stomach.

I also added a suggestion that he should expand the house just to be safe. Ultimately, if he planned to host his friends on a regular basis, they would require a designated area that wouldn’t interfere with my recently arranged, incredibly structured life.

“$50,000 to build a separate ‘man cave’ so Jake and his friends don’t disrupt Lisa’s schedule.”

The list was a work of art by the time I finished. Undoubtedly a logistical and financial nightmare, but still a masterwork. It was a wake-up call as much as a counterattack.

I completed printing it, placed it neatly on the kitchen counter, and bided my time until Jake returned home. He was feeling pretty good when he finally came through the door that evening.

He called out, “Hey, babe,” and dropped his keys on the counter. He almost immediately noticed the paper. “What’s this?”

I watched him pick it up, trying not to laugh, but maintaining a neutral expression on my face. “Oh, it’s just a little list I put together for you,” I replied affectionately, “to help you become the best husband ever.”

Jake laughed, assuming that I was joining in on his little game. But the smile faded as he skimmed the first few lines. He was slowly realizing that this wasn’t the lighthearted joke he thought it was, and I could see the wheels turning in his head.

“Wait… what is all this?” His eyes widened at the total cost as he squinted at the numbers. “A personal trainer for $1,200? $700 for groceries a month? Lisa, what the hell?”

I crossed my arms and leaned against the kitchen island.

You want me to get up at five in the morning, go to the gym, prepare delectable breakfasts, clean the house, prepare dinner, and greet your guests. I reasoned that we ought to set aside money for everything. Do you agree?

As he turned the pages, his face went pale. $75,000 annually? You’re leaving your position?

I gave a shrug. “How else am I meant to adhere to your plan? I’m not able to work and be the ideal wife, am I?

Perplexed, he gazed at the paper.

He was suddenly struck by the magnitude and the ridiculousness of his own demands. His arrogance vanished, to be replaced with the dawning realization that he had made a grave mistake.

“I… I didn’t mean…” Jake stumbled and gave me a confused look. “Lisa, I apologize for the way things turned out. I had this thought:”

“What did you think? That like a project, I could ‘improve’ myself?” Though I spoke calmly, there was genuine hurt in my voice. “Lists and routines aren’t what marriage is about, Jake. Respect is at issue. And you will pay far more than what’s written on that paper if you ever try to ‘fix’ me in this way again.”

Thick and uneasy silence hung in the air. With a deep sigh, Jake’s shoulders slumped and his face softened.

“I apologize,” he muttered. “I was unaware of how absurd it was. Though Steve made it seem reasonable, I can now see that it’s It is poisonous. Oh my goodness, what a fool I was.”

I nodded as I closely observed him. “You have, indeed. Sincerely, did you look through Steve’s life? Why do you think he is qualified to counsel you on marriage based on his life experience? or anything additional?”

The expression on his face when my words sank in was invaluable.

“You’re accurate. Furthermore, he could never afford to live this way.” With the back of his hand, he smacked the list. He is unaware of the expenses or the degrading nature of this. Oh Lisa, I think I overreached myself once more.”

Yes, but we’ll bounce back. Let’s now torn up that paper and return to equality.”

With a feeble smile, the tension slightly eased. “Yeah… let’s do that.”

I felt like we were back on the same team for the first time in weeks as we tore through the list together.

Perhaps this served as the reminder that being in a marriage doesn’t entail one partner being “better” than the other. It is about working better as a team.